Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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