you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
