I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
