I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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