nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
