I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
