I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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