Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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