at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
