so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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