I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
