i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
