Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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