dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
