I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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