my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
