There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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