Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
