My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
