i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
