I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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