i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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