I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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