your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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