bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
