i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
