i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
