when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
