We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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