I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
