This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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