She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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