btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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