Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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