it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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