I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
