And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
