Can i not drive my cunt home
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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