What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
