there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
