Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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