Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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