sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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