I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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