you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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