god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Send help, water and tortillas.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
