God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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