Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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