He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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