Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
