I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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